Me, Myself, and I

To you who hasn’t come…

Hey, I dunno what youre doing right now.You maybe drinking coffee or watchin TV or listenin to the radio like me, you maybe on the other side of the world, working, or reading a good book, or partying or looking at the bitter emptiness of your wall. I dunno if we met, I dunno if we at least already caught a glimpse of each other. I dunno if somehow we have influenced the things that are happening to both of us. I dont even know if you exist, I dont know if you
know that I exist. All I know is that Im waiting, consciously and
unconsciously.

Ive been anticipating that time when you will finally stop being an invisible entity in my life. You make me smile, just the thought of you breathing the same air that I breathe, drinking the water that I drink and staring at the same sky that Im staring at. You make me weep, thinking of how far you maybe from me or of how near you are physically but infinitely far from a possible emotional intimacy.
You make me worry thinking of the bad things that might befall you now, at this time when I cant be there, when I cant give you that reassuring look that things will eventually be ok. You make me think, and in this process all I can do is give in to my imagination
and find optimism in this feeling of longing. Ive been in this journey for years now, along the way Ive met people whom I thought was you. They resemble you, or maybe you resemble them.
I can never be sure, coz you are just something intangible that Ive
been trying to hold on to and to keep. I wont get tired of waiting,
because I know that in that one moment where we will recognize that we belong to each other, all the grief and the tears will be like diamonds that would make our love glisten. Im not looking forward to a perfect life with you, but Im looking forward to a bumpy ride with you around.

If finally we meet, dont look at me in the eyes too
long, I might get lost in the abyss of that magic that we
will be entwined with. Just hug me, and I know I will hug you back.
Dont kiss me yet, coz your lips might make my lips tremble. Just smile at me and I will smile back. Go on with your journey still, we shall meet.. when that time comes we shall be one.

when i feel like thinking i walk, when i feel like missing someone i walk, when i feel like crying i walk. dont even care where my feet will bring me. i just walk, alone or with someone, to shake myself up, so that i can think clearly, so that my watery eyes wont turn into tears. i do this a lot before, with a friend usually, to buy some time or to ease out whats inside. it really feels good after a long walk. and the best thing about walking is you’ll never know who you’ll bump into.

i never imagine that time would slip this fast, i always thought before that it would be staggering for me waiting for the day to pass by. seems like yesterday since i set foot here in doha, now its been two months. i have gone through every mall, i think, there is here in doha. gone as far as fuwairit, wakra, and tonight maybe dukhan. next hopefully sealine.  but of course i am enjoying my stay here, i have nothing else to do so why keep myself locked up. there are times that i just want to be left alone even for a while. i just want to lie down, eyes closed, empty my mind of whatever i am thinking… until i fall asleep…

i miss my mom… so much. i never thought i’d miss her this way. she called a while ago just to ask if i’m ok, if i’m doing fine, and so on.. i miss talking to her everytime i get home, before i sleep, and every breakfast. what an astonishing woman.

want to go to somewhere… alone. to think, to feel, to gather my thoughts.

the last time i was here was when…. i… wait, i cant remember. that was a long time ago… anyway, i am in qatar right now sitting still trying to unload whats on my nutcase mind… figuring out what to do with my life. im thinking of ways to make myself busy while im here… crabing… yes we’ve done it already and it was fun, i guess. what else… eat… eating, a hobby for everybody… sleep… my form of escape, my absolute rest… i left my comfort zone and im trying to be comfortable on what i have right now. i am actually begining to like this place… but still i need to memorize places, faces. sigh… i still miss being in my confort zone… but then im willing to risk… anyway life is all about taking risk…  and im willing just to try how far i can go… anywhere i can get…

napagod n ko ng kapipigil ng luha… ayoko n ring magisip kun saan ako nagkamali, saan ako nagkulang… mapapagod lng ako lalo…

its christmas time once again.. and another year has passed, another year’s fast approaching… same old me once again… looking at a different view on how to handle life once again…

im always like this every time christmas is coming.. or the calendar starts to change its year.. its quite freaky for me actually, for this is always the time i terribly miss persons whom made me feel good, and i always end up asking myself "san na kaya sila ngayon?"… i dont know, they just pop out of nowhere… hmmm… i was like this maybe because i have much time in my hand… to think… silly me… sigh…

maybe i should focus more now in reviewing for the board… sigh… i miss them all…

i miss my dad… so much.

wish they were all here… wish they’re all ok there…

anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone…

"im gonna SMILE like nothings wrong, talk like everythings PERFECT, act like it was just a DREAM, and pretend im not HURTING…"

its a feeling i can keep to anyone but myself. feels like im wearing a mask to cover up a scar. a fake smile complements hurting eyes. people would never know the difference anyway.

its kinda depressing for me to look into the pictures of former aquaintances whom i haven’t seen for quite some time. its like they have achieved things they want in their life. im happy for them, really. but there’s just something in them that makes me think of me, where im going, whats wrong with me, whats right and which is which. there’s just so many questions running in my head i cant even figure where to begin sorting. things that’s been clogged in my mind and my heart for some time now. im clueless, am i?

i’ve been giving a deep thought about whats happening with my life. and its just so confusing for my thoughts are all over. from family matters to heart problems… sigh… the person still doesn’t know what i feel, and i intend to keep it that way. i dont know until when, but surely it will be until the feeling fades like nothings felt all along. my love life’s been complecated ever since i learned this thing called love. ive never been engaged in a long relationship, its always a three-month duration… well almost four…. but then again im thinking is it my fault? maybe yes, maybe no. im single, and afraid to let go… of the things i might share with somebody, like personal space and time. or im just saying this to cover up a deeper reason why i stay single… like heartbreaks, i guess. i thinks so too.

working relationship with others… skip it, im fine with them.

career…. as of today i am still in the proccess of learning the basics of my chosen profession. im still struglling in all its senses. some say i’ve gone far enough in this feild but i say they’re just being nice to me. i know i can do more than that. all i need is the license. ive been working my ass out just to fit in, thats what i’m doing. im giving more, receiving less. but im not complaining, sometimes people just want more without giving enough. i have to get into my feet, and get a life…. huh… so hard.

im still not sure of the things i want in my struggling life. i need things/persons to boost my tired mind and body.. and someone to fill the space left bare in my heart through all this time… im such a sucker for love. damn.

what am i thinking?… whats going through this nutcase mind of mine… actually im thinking a lot of things to do just to pass this freakin’ slow running time. there’s reading, yeah, i’ve read every reading materials in our house. a couple of times already that i almost memorized it. chanel surfing… wehehe… thank goodness there’s cable chanels open 24hrs. and boy it really is helpfull. those late night tv viewing where im the only one awake in the middle of the night, watching every film ive never heard before, crying with those stupid scenes. then there’s sleep… oh yes, i did get some sleep too. sleeping at around 5 and hoping i’d wake up on tuesday morning, early enough not to be late for work… omg… im asking for a vacation.. but not this loooong. and not this lonely. yes… i feel really really bored. i really really need to have some f-u-n. i don’t know what kind of f-u-n i will be having but i know i really need it. i’ve had enough of no-work-all-rest day, thru with all-locked-up-in-my-room kind of thing. i want to go out, i want to try something else. island hoping, bar hoping, surfing, jet ski, sky diving, snorkling, scuba diving, and i dont care if it requires me to drink too many alchohols and drop dead… not really to that extent. heh. but you see… i felt barren for almost a week and yet everybody’s with everyone making out whats left with their vacations. and im here, in front of this computer checking my mails and chatting. instead of having fun in subic or somewhere else. sigh… what a perfectly wasted vacation.